Its Time Has Come and Gone

Well
Its been 6 years exactly
From beginning to end
I take a last look around
Breathe a sigh of regret
With heartache
And sorrow
I turn off the lights
Close the door
And just to be certain
Twist the lock in the deadbolt
And  throw down the key
Poems are wriitten and sent
Messages blocked from sending and receiving
Oct 2 is the very first day
Of no contact at all
Did I ever anticipate
That this day would come
When we started at the loft
No I didn't. Not at all.
Now its just one enormous dart
To the left of my chest
Impaled first hard and then deep
Because he turned out to be
An unbeliievably cowardly creep
Where once there was love
Now there is shell shock
Who is this person
I don't even know him
Self centered and ego
A coward and fear based
Shows no one remorse
He's defensive and lost
Drinking and running
He won't look in the mirror
And admit what he's done
He just makes excuses
And throws mistakes in my face
Even tho they were years past
Thankfully I'm free of that part at last
Unfortunately he'll continue to do it
He will run run and run
He tells himself he's a good guy
But everyone he does buy
Because money and power
Is all he really respects
What kind of life will he have
A lonely and empty one I expect
Deaf mute and silent
Lacking integrity and all lies
Couldn't even speak to explain
What is what
After more than half a decade
And with my chosen sacriifice and patience
He uttered never a word
To explain to me or apologize
For breaking my heart and abandoning me
That's the worst of it really
Hell what did I ever see
I can't even look in his eyes
I've lost most of the love
But its the habit I fear
Of not talking to him daily
While we pretend to act so gaily
But it shouldn't take long
To get used to good feelings
No rejection or excuses
No pain and constant hiding
No more of my lack of value and expendability
Cause now there's my value and hope
And I can be filled with light and laughter
Good friends and maybe even a lover
A new chapter begun today
Unknown but whatever
Nothing could match
The badness of our past weather
So it is with hope and belief
Of better to come
What life will bring me
I will definitely welcome
Goodbye to you my love
Goodbye to the past
Tommorrows a new day
Its finally time for me - J

If You're Happy And You Know It Clap Your Hands!

I don’t know the exact number of books that I have read about the ever elusive, constantly sought after, concept of happiness but I can say that it is one heck of a lot!   Have any of them provided the key to happiness, finally explaining to me how to seek it and achieve it and maintain it?  I wish I could say a resounding YES, but I can’t because there isn’t a simple end all be all answer to that question though many of the self help books would have us believe that and then we all wonder why we can rarely achieve happiness let alone hold onto it for it very long.

I have however come to realize that happiness is not something that resides in the external world, the material world, that once achieved will bring us everlasting peace and tranquility not does it stem from another person and the expectation that this is the person that will make me happy.

Happiness to me has come to represent a few things, but almost all of these things dwell within me.   I am one of those people that have always put others ahead of myself, thinking that by doing so, they will love me and appreciate me and in return I will be happy.  I have always linked happiness with having fun thus if I wasn’t having fun then I couldn’t very well be happy now could I?  I am also one of the millions of women on this planet that felt if I didn’t look thin, toned, strong, have nice teeth and good hair that I couldn’t be happy  What is the common denominator with all of the above?  They are all external variations of feeling good which does not equate to happiness.

There are so many theories about how to achieve happiness and maintain it.  Eckhart Tolle and living in the now is a key philosophy and if one can achieve that and maintain it constantly and forever my hats are off to you because it certainly does work.  I just haven’t been able to stop myself from remembering and also from hoping, two things which can’t exist in the NOW, for more than minutes at any given time.

Happiness to me has become incredibly personal.   I have found that if I set boundaries for myself about what is good for me and what is not, how people can treat me and how they cannot, what I expect of myself and what I do not, if I maintain my honesty and integrity and take responsibility for my actions and words, if I show kindness and compassion and refrain from making judgements about myself or others, if I listen instead of preach, if I lead by example instead of follow, if I value myself and respect myself that I have found balance.  If I pay it forward and if I feel gratitude.  If I learn from my mistakes and therefore grow.  If I take the path of courage instead of fear and if I recognize my mistakes. And if I can say I am sorry.   If I work hard and am proud of myself.   If I lose my way and recognize that path but also recognize I am human and make corrections instead of condemning myself. 

If I laugh more than I cry and I give more than I take. If I am positive rather than negative and hopeful rather than skeptical.  If I forgive or am forgiving.    If I take the time to stop and breath the air and look around me and appreciate life’s beauty. If I feel the sun on my face and the wind in my hair.   

If I open my mind to the energy of the Universe and believe we are all connected and envision a pure white light enveloping me, protecting me and wrapping me in love from head to toe, and enveloping each of my children and every other person alive, then there is no need to doubt or question or fear.  If I allow myself to love.  To love myself.  Then I am happy.

And the wonderous thing about all of this, is that it is all within me.  It is all within you.  And all it takes is the decision to start right now.  

I am 44 years old and for the first time in my life, I am not relying on anyone else to make me happy or to believe in me.  I am doing it all by myself.   And I am happy.