It has been almost 7 years, thats over half a decade. Half a decade of secrecy and lies and sneaking around....all under the auspices of protecting the children, protecting the family, of doing the right thing by sacrificing love, life, happiness, joy and everything else that comes along with meeting the right one, falling in love, building a life together, committing, being intimate, living everyday with zest and passion and joy. The stress that comes along with that lifestyle has made me physically ill. Cancer, autoimmune disease, depression, jealousy, heartache, hopelessness all slowly appeared over the years and all in the name of sacrifice and love and doing what was necessary for my partner to be happy. Is that really what love is? The story books say its so. Poems, short stories, movies, historical novels, all of the above and so many more state that love is about putting someone else's needs ahead of your own. Is that right? Is that true? How many of you can honestly say that they have done such things and forsaken their happiness, their needs, their wants and found true love and happiness?
Well, I can't. Sure, I did all of the above every single day for 7 years. Maybe if it was acknowledge, noticed, appreciated and rewarded then maybe, just maybe, it could have had potential. However, isn't that specifying that doing all of that for someone, entitles me to being appreciated, rewarded etc.? And isn't that in and of itself, exactly the opposite of what the whole intention and chosen sacrifice is all about?
I did all of those things and sure as anything, as time went by, I was taken for granted, nothing was appreciated and I simply became someone who was guaranteed to be there for him no matter how poorly he treated me, how many times he blew me off, how over time I mattered less and less and then when I did raise the issues, it was I who was the cause of dissension and conflict.
The argument became what came first? The chicken or the egg? Who caused what and what caused who to react? Sure as anything, distance and resentment slowly moved in and filled the space that once was filled with love and laughter and need.
If you give someone all of yourself. If you offer yourself and your heart and your soul unconditionally, asking nothing in return, expecting nothing in return and make it your sole existence to put them first, because that is what is said that we are to do if we love someone, then how may I ask, can respect and interest, and value and challenge and excitement maintain its course?
I know for sure that I would get bored quickly and lose respect and ultimately whether intended or not, I would begin to take them for granted and slowly but surely, start to walk all over them and not even realize that I was doing it.
I would begin to resent if they argued, or fought back or suddenly appeared with demands or expectations and I for sure would never, after such love sick devotion ever question myself, my behaviour and simply presume that it was not I but of course, they that had changed. Accountability and responsibility would not ever come to mind because by god, they had never had to own anything before because they were unconditionally loved and no matter what, they were accepted.
So whose fault is it when relationships like this fall apart? There is definitely a past and when unconditional love and complete autonomy has been the norm then why wouldn't he be quick to blame and accuse me of being the one to change and become insecure and the culprit who ultimately ruined such a perfect thing that we had going. Can you blame him? I certainly can't. I can't because I single handledly created this monster. This monster that ultimately thinks of no one and nothing but himself and over time morphed into the most narcissistic and selfish, compassionless person alive.
But I, alone, had created him. So be very careful to offer unconditional love to your partner. Be careful never to not challenge or ask for what you need or want because I just lost the love of my life, the "one" because I loved him too much, I offered too readily and I expected so little. I made him matter and I made myself inconsequential.
Love isn't about putting someone else's needs and wants above your own. It is about compromise, respect, honesty, integrity, authenticity and valuing yourself and your partner. It is about give and take and most importantly, it is about communication and standing up for what you believe in and what you need and knowing who you are and what you bring to the relationship, to life and believing that you are worthy of everything that he is.
Don't make the same mistakes I made. Love is about sharing, and give and take and honour and respect. Don't give those up for your partners. If you do, your relationship is doomed from the moment you think his happiness, his needs and his wants are more important and meaningful than your own.
I lost the love of my life, but you don't have to. Heed my words. If you allow someone to walk all over you, disrespect you and minimize your self worth, you've already lost and best turn and walk away now.
Know who you are, what you want, what you need and what you are willing to compromise and know the same things about your partner. Make sure you smile and laugh at yourself and life and always make sure your glass is at least half full.
Value yourself. Value your life. Value your partner. Love does not require hardship and sacrifice of your needs and your wants. It requires a partnership, an understanding. Most of all, it requires two people who respect and value themselves and know what they each bring to the relationship and don't ever forget that.
I am a psychologist, a chinese medicine practitioner, I am a mother, a partner, a daughter, a sister, a friend and a woman who has had to learn the hard way in love. I hope you don't make the same mistakes I did. It is unnecessary and heartbreaking. Learn from my mistakes. Your partner will appreciate you all the more for it.
No comments:
Post a Comment